befuddled by the overwhelming inequity that so often rears its ugly head in the face of tough competition. it was never a necessity to emerge victorious at every challenge faced. perhaps this lack of drive or competitive spirit stems from stark fear of disappointment, and the minor embarrassment that entails? i was somewhat convinced that its usually neither, but a laid-back demeanour instead that so chokes and mortifies the challenger inside. its so often the case that the most obscure signs of ambition are driven off by the malevolent phantom thats usually concealed by sheer laziness, ineptitude and an unexplainable melancholy towards success.
having said all that, isn't it ironic the desolation that develops the minute we find ourselves plummeting towards a somewhat blissless abyss where we find ourselves scoffed at rather than glorified? on the contrary, some of us have become so used to the idea of ignorance being bliss, so much so that we almost automatically block out the negativity that comes blaring in our faces.
i could never explain where all this frivolity was coming from. deep inside, there really isnt any existing burning desire that yearns to be fulfilled. i quite enjoy the coming and going of day-to-day events that were hardly ever planned, hence never were expected. like a christmas present you never asked for. doesnt it make receiving it all the more joyful, rather than waiting around burdened by high hopes that often get crushed by concrete balls of insensitivity and forgetfulness.
schizophrenia enthralls me. i've made my mess. its time for the clean-up crew to do their job.