the irony amuses me to almost vile levels of hysteria. yet simultaneously, it torments with such incredible skill. i can only stare in awe at the effects it has on me, and watch it have its way with my helpless mind. i know myself. i may have some of my priorities messed up beyond salvation, but at least ive got a handful firmly cemented in their prime positions. and while the other miscellaneous ones trail along aimlessly, trying to cling on to their places, i will remain oblivious to their inconsequential presence and focus on those closest to the heart.
its been near impossible to convey my thoughts coherently tonight. there were truckloads of what i'd wanted to say, but saying it would only be setting a foot into my grave. all i can reveal is that friendships by default and seeming chemistry are the worst ways to build relationships of any kind. i dont trust easily, and minor cock ups are scrutinized mercilessly. i dont think i could ever care about you the way i'd hoped that i could.
i hate my tendency to over-apologize. its a royal fucking pain and i want to kick myself each time it happens. someone please kick me for me. i need to find some way to convince myself that i dont have to be sorry for every fucking thing that isnt 100% pure and perfect to everyone.